Dec 18, 2009

M.D.

there are times when i feel like an irrevocable untamed wildly hot mess of a person that doesn't even know which way is up and which way goes down. i want to break wide open and spill all the contents onto the operating table so that all things good bad ugly messy and broken can be observed one by one in a painfully distant manner. while you watch and critique and feel and i get some sort of satisfaction at knowing that what i was feeling and doing and being was ok, because you understand, because you're licensed and you've got the pedigree and you can give not ok the ok.

sometimes i do it anyways, without the operating table or the audience, on top of the broken glass behind the dumpster where i last emptied my guts friday night two months ago.

Nov 18, 2009

oniony

why hello, onion rag-stand. i didn't expect to see you there. i didn't expect to see anything there. at all. a potted plant stand wouldn't have been alarming, but you, staring back at me from across the road; you were unexpected.

you look lonely, onion. who could blame you. you've been left in the most inconvenient of places. the median between the UT stadium and the music building is far out of most student's walking ranges. but i'd bet that lack of foot traffic isn't the only thing making you so stoic and solitaire.

let's be honest onion. no one really cares to pay you much attention nowadays. you were hot stuff, way back when the dow was at 130000 points and there was a full out white house party to mock, all-day and all-night.

you've lost all that now, even us, your accomplices of those hey-days. the recycling rhetoric and inherent laziness of the species causes us to avoid most unnecessary, disposable, physical objects. especially those objects that manifest themselves as collections of hand-blackening paper. once picked up, our moral obligations oblige us to assume the responsibility of ensuring that you and all your skins are disposed of in a non-ecosystem disruptive manner.

and let's face it. you're no longer necessary. your rhetorical niche has been lost. who needs parody of the system, when the system, in the most responsible manner of all, does its own parodying? Fox News parodies News. CNN parodies an unbiased perspective. Liberals parody a liberal application of self-understanding and inclusiveness. Republicans parody a party of unbiased racists, protectors of all lifeforms (particularly those of the unborn), and, what may be their most farcical to date, representatives of the common man.

i understand, onion. it's hard to see what layers there are left to unwrap.

you stand naked, unskinned. eyeing me, vacantly, agenda-less, neither compelling me to read your attempts at repackaged cultural refuse nor attempting to disconcert me with an accusatory gaze. you're beyond cajoling, beyond blame: you've lost all hope. you've given up on your self.

now, you watch me.

you watch and wait to see, where i'll go, what i'll do. you've no self interest left in the game. you tried so hard to be something, that you've, at last, nothing to do but watch a someone, a person, a real entity without parody, without pretend, without grandstanding, without politicking... just be.

so i am.

Nov 11, 2009

The one and only

I made the mistake of looking before leaping just now. I had planned to jump back into blogging, pointy fingernails clacking out an inspired post. Instead, I got caught back up into the previous posts I had written, curious to see what it was that brought me here the last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.

I hate getting a phone call or a text from someone that I know, that I'm quite close to, but feeling, for some reason or another, as if I don't know them. As if they're an alien species, a pseudo stranger, made psuedo by the fact that I do know them and stranger by the fact that I feel strange being in contact with a person that I don't feel like I know. Call it social amnesia, call it misanthropic tendencies, call it unfriendly, calloused, or just plain rude. At least we're calling like it is.

Reading over a my own blog feels the same way. There's the element of surprise, the disbelief and the unwillingness to admit that maybe, just maybe, you know exactly what they're talking about. It's like finding an ally at a dreaded luncheon. You're expecting to bored, to feel uneasy about being in a large group of half-hostile people, when suddenly someone laughs the right way, mtalkakes a comment about a pair of shoes, or comes at you with some random background fact that you share in common. You've found someone that understands you! You have *fill in random thiing!* in common, and now you know that there's someone else in the world who understands.

Oh blog. How did you know I love talking about my neurosis? You always know how to say exactly what I needed to hear. You know how to boost my confidence, if not in myself, then in my ability to debase my own confidence. Thanks blog. It's good to hear from you too.

Sep 15, 2009

picking up the pen again

I feel like I haven't been very productive as of late. Strange, considering the actual amount of things that Ive been getting through. The problem is that this "actual amount of things" aren't things that make me feel productive. Which is strange and begs the question: what is it that I really want to be doing?

Graduation is soon. The time to make some decisions is coming. Soon.

Apr 24, 2009

There's Money in Poetry... or Poetry in Money?

Nothing is a better reminder of what it means to be a 'somewhat' liberal arts major in the business school than an email about a Financial conference that waxes poetic on the current financial crisis. I don't sympathize with the Financial majors at this university; I disagree with the culture that they buy (bought?) into and attempt(ed) to recreate. So it strikes me as particularly poignant when they start finding outlets to express their angst and frustration about their losses (a career, a corporation, a culture). (Though I swear if I see one more person use the term "Main street" when talking about this crisis, I'm going to stop reading anything news related in English.).

As the economy transitioned from the subprime mortgage crisis to a full-fledged recession jeopardizing the entire financial system with it, we now find ourselves in an unfamiliar economic landscape. One that is both fragile and unpredictable. The effects of the downturn have indeed been catastrophic both on Wall Street and Main Street shaking the very foundations of the economy with tremors that brutally tested the ecosystem on which the edifice of this country lays. But inspite the enormity of the prolonged carnage that has engulfed our financial markets and characterized the defining downturn of this era, we’re finally beginning to see signs of scattered optimism and promise. The financial system and the broader economy it seems are beginning to digest recent developments enroute to rebuilding an appetite for growth and enterprise.

And it is with this preface of economic fragility and scattered optimism that we present to you, the Texas Investment Conference 2009: Navigating the Road to Recovery. The purpose of this conference, which brings together notable industry literates and professionals, couldn’t have been served at a time more crucial than the one we’re in. An increasingly globalized playing field demands a firm understanding of how tight credit markets have impacted the economy, financial markets, and corporate environment. Rather than focusing on one aspect of finance and the economy, the Conference will combine leading industry expertise and renowned academic research to look at current trends and issues that are shaping our financial world with the hope of mapping out the Road to Recovery. Furthermore, the event will provide an opportunity to meet and discuss critical topics with industry professionals and faculty members. Featuring a networking meal, the Conference will serve as a perfect platform for healthy interaction and intellectual discourse between students, corporate representatives, and academia alike.



How do humans get through loss? How do we cope with the pressures that we've created for ourselves and the loss of a dream? Good questions. The answer, I believe, is going to be a rise in modes of self expression. We're looking at the cusp of the next great wave of creative output. Right now is a time when humans are reevaluating their values, reinvigorating their emotions. Complacency is more difficult to come across, strife and disillisionment is rampant. It's been a while since we've churned out a Steinbeck or a Hemingway; that's going to change. Experience is the fuel of creativity, and no experience is more unique or capture-worthy than suffering.

Need an example? Just look south. Latin American literature during the 70s and 80s is, in my opinion, most recent innovative and expressive writing that we have. Political coups, depressions, economic crises, kidnappings, drug wars: these experiences generated a body of moving fictional and visual works. A literary movement and style was created from the political show rooms and horrors of day to day life under a despot.

Not to say that a political coup or a financial crisis is a necessary requisite for a literary movement. But history shows that they go nicely hand in hand.

Apr 19, 2009

Selves are not as escapable as we would have them

I really wanted this blog to be something different from my last one. I was quite proud of myself when I shut the last blog down; I thought that I was finally making some steps away from emotional, melodramatic, self-pitying posts. The last blog wasn't much of an attempt at chronicling or story-telling: it was more of a poster board for teenage angst and frustration.

I'd thought that this blog would be different. I thought that I had moved past that bitter-edged self-hate that motivated and tormented the last blogger me. I find, however, that though I may be older, more experienced, well-traveled, I still suffer under the same nameless, blameless angst, still mope through brightly lit days, still frown at smiles, and write in abstract melodramatic sweeps. I generalize more than I explain. I theorize about the world more than I take the time to actually enjoy the day to day moments of it. I daydream more than I dream.

I thought this blog, this me, would be different. I had grand hopes of writing about important issues and ideas that were important to me. Maybe something dry and scientific almost. I hoped that there would be a lack of emotion, a lack of misdirection. I was wrong.

I haven't written on this blog because I wanted it to be different. I thought that if I held off, things would change. I thought that I could change myself, the way I think, the way I react to things, the way my brain fills itself with sappy self. I was wrong. My pride kept me from writing here. It wanted, among so many other things, for this not to be the truth. For me not to be so egotistical and self-centered. For me not be so pointlessly unhappy. I've swallowed my pride, and put it down on paper: I haven't changed as much as I had hoped. I haven't learned to like myself. I haven't learned to accept myself for who I am. I haven't learned how to be present in the moment, to appreciate people for who they are, to not let tomorrows deadlines be the stresses of today. I am still trapped in the same self-pitying box that I've constructed for myself.

And so this blog is what it is. Me. Myself. Uncensored, yet flat. Personally unpersonal. Practically a bore. Nothing of interest than that that is interesting to myself. Nothing that speaks to anyone other than those who only speak to themselves. Dressed up pretty, spewing ugly. Yuck self, yuck.

Apr 2, 2009

Hello again

It's been a while since I've blogged. Finding myself increasingly frustrated, however, with my current outlets for self expression, I find that I need a blog again. There's only so much that you can put in a conversation, a phone call, a text message, an email. And even less that you actually want to say specifically to a directed, addressed audience. Blogs are nice for their anonymity. So what if no one ever reads this. At the very least, I've got a nice road map of thoughts and opinions that I'll be able to look back on later.

I'm a collector. I like the feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment that I get from having a big pile of 'things'. No matter how invaluable or inconsequential that pile of 'things' may be. I love the way that blogs collect thoughts and opinions and moods, for me to pour back over at any one point in time.

Ideally, I'd like this blog to offer thought-provoking perspectives on technological and societal issues. What it actually turns into will have to be seen. What's important though, is that I get my ideas and monologues out on the web so that I can stop talking in circles to external (non-blog) audiences.

What you won't (in all likelihood) find on this blog: links to popular culture or rants about my daily life, what's going on in my social spectrum. If you want to find out about that sort of thing, you're going to have to talk to me.

I hope you enjoy!

blank canvas

this canvas is blank. does that mean it's time for me to start afresh? that's one of the side effects of blank canvas -- it brings...