I've been having a lot of good dreams lately. I've also been on what feels like an insane schedule. In bed after midnight, still wired. Up before 7am to let the dog out, to go on a walk, to make breakfast, to sit and to write.
I'm tired in the afternoons but I love it. The dreams come, the mornings come, the evenings... they come. But they don't go. They aren't leaving me, I am here and I am awake.
You left Austin months ago. We last spent time together over Thanksgiving, when I was in town for a few hot moments. You gave me some books, and told me about how you were leaving. For real, for good. I wondered what it meant. You, who had weirdly and yet emptily been there for everything. Parts of London, Brasil, Atlanta, strange cities, and Austin, always Austin. But you were packing, you were giving out books, belongings, aprons. You who I joked were my constant, my LOSTiean time-stable person who, if I ever got lost in time, would be the person that I would go to find.
You were leaving. It felt like the end of something. Like a final goodbye. Like I was shut of all the places that I had encountered you. Like there was no going backward, not now. All hopes of being lost in time and then found again, left. Evaporated.
I don't know where you are now. I don't know that I want to.
Your apron was destroyed by a potty training puppy a few months ago. The book you gave me, I got halfway through before desisting, as I do most times when confronted with anything that even vaguely resembles deep self-inspection. It wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, this therapist's idea of a book form of things.
I thought that you leaving meant that I was done with the places that you had found me. That would be here. That would be there. That would be almost everywhere.
I was wrong. It just meant that you were done. You were gone. You were leaving. You were moving on, and I was just doing what I do -- observing. Seeing, watching you get the fuck out.
That did mean something, but as is with most things, it meant less than I thought it did.
There is love in the tiniest breath of the universe.
I came here because I have a confession. I love pop. I love country. I love the latino channel. I don't really like electronica, or house, or non-nostalgic rock. These tastes are strong and have endured.
They will not change, they are as fixed as the stars under which we born.
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