the worst part is watching them disappear you. seeing them slowly back away from the you and yourself, mentally parking themselves into some strange reality that where the you that is you doesn't exist. it's like watching someone choose to live in a different reality. it's painful, because it's a reality that you don't exist in, one that is defined by the static, bad copy of you that they've chosen to live with. or erase entirely.
it's a process of universe selection that you can't change. or at least, one that i haven't figure out how to arrest, not yet anyway. even if i could stop it or offer some kind of course correction, i'm not sure that i would want to. what universe you choose to live in is just that: your choice. i can't imagine taking that away from you.
it makes me sad, to know that i'm not cut out for working at big companies. literally cannot do it, am not built for it. it kills me, a piece of me. i hate knowing how much i hate it. i hate knowing that it's not my thing, because i think i've always in some small way wanted it to be a thing i was good at, that i felt comfortable doing. maybe age changes it. i hope age changes it, but also, i think the reality is that i know that i've wasted too much time there already.
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