deciding what to do post graduation suddenly has become very passé. everyone else has already done it, already dealt with it, is onto IT already. it makes my own passing and passage feel much less watched. i like it. it's nice to feel as though my world belongs to me. and yet, the responsibility is almost crushing!
nuts. are hard as rocks. especially the one i'm stuck up against - stuck between a brazil nut and a hard place. the hard place would be that place that i end up after graduation because i didn't think that going to brazil again would be good for my health. (mental or physical or whatever other sort of health you can possibly list (why is it that lists always need three?)) the brazil nut would stand for argentina.
it would stand for argentina, if argentina were the name of brasil. but it's not, so it doesn't. instead it stands for brasil.
i've made a promise to return in 2011. doing anything else will be nothing more than the result of a particularly nasty function. inverse arcsins and tangentiables included, free of charge. the decision is not 'go to brasil or do not go to brasil' - the question is do i break a promise or do i keep one? do i do what i want to do because i want to do it, or do i not do it because i want to do it?
it's an equation without an equals sign - no hope of it balancing out. appositive or the anegative - it's all a-revolution around the same nutty yellow-green sun. and so i hate it unequivocally for feeling so pressured by the gravity of the situation.
do you not understand the gravity of the situation! i'm a function of my past, i'm stuck in a dream, i'm stuck in a memory -- i'm stuck in self-denial.
nuts! yourself is the hardest thing to accept.
Jul 21, 2010
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