Apr 20, 2014

Musings on Motivation

The weirdest thing about working for Etsy is that I like all of my coworkers. Every last one of them. Almost unilaterally. It feels unnatural to be in a group of people that are so genuine and real. And it really has been forcing me to confront my own insecurities of self presentation, my expectations of others, etc. Basically, why do i assume that the whole world is full of backstabbing, sycophantic jerks that really aren't interested in your stories (my stories have gotten worse lately, mostly because ive admittedly lost what little faith I had in my own ability to relate something with another human being and as such I find myself mostly giving it up.

Also strange aside, is it just me or do most engineering women (not all, I'm entirely open to the idea that I'm blinded to the actual proliferation of the stereotype I'm about to put forward mainly on my fascination with it - as in im aware that I'm generalizing something I've seen in a few individuals to an entire group. Guilty. Call me on it). But. Stereotype that I have noticed and am now putting forward as such - higher indice of women engineers that are, well, obsessed with over engineering things. Maybe I'm just sensitive to it because I feel that I don't rigorously plan and then follow through on things. But I find myself, when confronted by a highly planned and organized person (who's using organization as a crutch for motivation) I tend to retaliate by playing unplanned. I feel undermine d, overwhelmed by the other persons ability to force themselves into a thing via a plan. I think its a massive misunderstanding. As in there's some part of my brain that doesn't understand the beauty of setting out a detailed schedule and then following it. Am I undisciplined? Is my issue with people with plans and regulations really just a form of admitted self deprecation? 

Self interpretation aside, I feel like this quality of forced discipline is more prevalent in women than in the men I know. Maybe I just make friends with less ambitious men. Maybe I don't have enough men friends to do a survey on.  I take issue with it because it feels unnatural. Why do something if you don't enjoy doing the thing that you're setting out to do? Don't use a plan and a detailed short term goals sheet to get you to a difficult goal. Oh that sounds silly when reading it... 

This really has to do with running. I enjoy running. I'm decent at it. I set goals for running - I get upset when I don't hit my goals. But I don't really train to hit the goal - I train because I enjoy it. I go for runs because they feel good. I run fast and barefoot because I feel free and powerful and light. Its fucking fun. I run races so that I stay motivated, so there's some discipline to getting up and going - but not enough that I can't just run how I feel. So it pisses me off that others run with a schedule. That they do it with short term plan, that they try and engineer a thing so beautiful as being light and free.

I need to be less selfish. Maybe that's it - I don't want to share my joy with these other people. I want them to fall down a well timed hole and simply disappear.

This was started as a commentary on dfw.

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