Jun 14, 2015

The places you'll go

I think I finally get what you meant about wanting to live your life w/o being driven by "where" you are living it. Like really get it.

Someone told me today I had a California accent, which got me thinking about it. Then a good friend told me he's moving out of NYC to Denver in November. I'm really happy for him; he's going to do really well there.

November is *soon*.

I love California but it's complicated. The first time I visited I was very much in love with someone that I very much couldn't have and didnt (still dont?) know how to handle it and moving there was my way of distancing myself from it, meanwhile building a dream place out of SF as the place that I (we?) might both end up one day and everything would be perfect.

I'll tell you it ends. He's happily partnered with someone else. We don't keep in touch. Memories of him have taken up residence in my head as a form of imaginary friend and confidant. I have no faith that this reproduction in any way resembles reality. I talk to the imaginary version every goddamn day. I keep thinking that I'm over it only to wake up and realize that I'm not.

Again. And again. And again. And again.

SF is tainted. It's covered with memories of memories, layered in one recurring red-eye flight sleep-waking dream atop the other. The city's not that big and I've been to every corner of it, infusing the whole damn peninsula with echoes of unrealized desires.

I need to move on. I think part of that is going to involve, eventually, leaving NYC, but I'm increasingly worried that SF is antithetical to the goal of a clean slate.

That's all just a way of saying I really hate this city sometimes, the lack of grass, how long the winter lasts, all the while acknowledging that how I feel about this place doesn't seem as important as it once did. I also love this city, deeply, the only emotion any reasonable person should be able to muster for a thing that you understand so deeply.

Everywhere I go, there I am, memories and all. The whole world is tainted.

I needed to say this as much for me than anyone. Thanks for listening.

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